she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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