I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
