I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
