if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
