You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
