all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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