her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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