I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
