I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
