Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
