there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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