I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I look better un-naked...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize