I wanna bring you to show and tell
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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