The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
