I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
how does that bad decision feel?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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