This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
