guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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