upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
