Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
