I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
