oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
