We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
