In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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