I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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