my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
