He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
