This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
