4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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