jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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