THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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