I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
