Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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