forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
