She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
