Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
