My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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