you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
