I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
