I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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