I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
