I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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