the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
