just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
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