Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
