One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
