just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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