captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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