Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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