How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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