Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
farters have to be the big spoon...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
