tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
