Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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