I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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