there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Little spoons don't ask big questions
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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