At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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