Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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