when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
