the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
