True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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